This leads me to my next point, which some readers may find disturbing, but which I want you to keep firmly at the Tee5s-Stop staring I said stop don’t look at my chubby baby hands shirt In other words front of your mind from now on: Plenty of the people in relationships you see all around you are not actually in love with one another. For real. I promise I’m not just being bitter. That all relationships, merely by their existence, are evidence of romantic love is just a story we tell ourselves and it’s one which produces feelings of shame and exclusion in single people and those who are in loveless relationships alike. It’s as much of a lie as the idea that romantic love is by itself enough to beget a healthy relationship. People are together for a whole host of reasons. Some people are together merely out of habit or out of fear of being alone or because of a commitment to a shared life of house and kids. The love might have departed long ago. These things—love and relationships—are of course connected, but they’re not bound together.There are some things you might consider which I can’t fully deduce from your letter. I am assuming, from the name you originally included in your letter, that you are a man. You also mention that your ex was a girlfriend. But don’t say how you would identify your sexual orientation. In fact, you don’t mention sexuality at all—you say you rarely experience romantic attachments, but do you feel sexual desire and have sexual relationships? Do you have unexplored sexual desires which conflict with your romantic relationships to date? Bluntly, I’m asking if there’s any chance you’re gay. I ask this only to make sure you’ve ruled out the possibility that there’s a disconnect between your sexual instincts and your attempted romances that might be blocking you off from fulfilling relationships. On the other hand, it may be that you feel a persistent lack of sexual desire or romantic feelings (or both) and that you might identify with the terms aromantic or asexual. Increased visibility and destigmatizing work around these identities in recent years has brought comfort to many people who now enjoy better self-understanding as a result. If you do think the labels reflect your experiences, an ace/aro support or social group may be helpful to connect with others who identify this way.
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